Big Red Buttons: DO NOT PRESS
by nony0mous
Summary: Big red buttons are showing up at Hogwarts, and now everyone has gone insane. But there must be a way out - or is there?


Written in collaboration by **nony0mous,** **pippi55, Azure Delta, Jenna McCoy, and Paris in December.**

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><p><strong>None of us own Harry Potter. As far as I can tell.<strong>

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><p>One of life's greatest mysteries are the Big Red Buttons.<p>

Scattered all over the world are these big, red, buttons. Their purposes vary. But none of them ever result in something good. But the mystery is why everyone always pushes these buttons. Even though it is clear that you should NOT push a Big Red Button, there is always a troublemaker who pushes the Big Red Button.

This is a story about Hogwarts and the Big Red Button that came to it. It brought much chaos to Hogwarts. If only the Big Red Button was never pushed; but this is Hogwarts. And Hogwarts is the place voted Place Most Likely to Have a Big Red Button Pushed.

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><p>So one day Harry was walking innocently down the hallways, just out of Quiddich practice. All he wanted was to take a hot shower and then fall into his bed. He was exhausted beyond words.<p>

But of course things never go smoothly for Harry, and as he was walking innocently through the corridors of Hogwarts, he stumbled over a mysterious thing. It was big, and red, and looked exactly like a button.

Harry had seen many of these buttons before, but never something that was quite as big. Staring at the big red button for quite some time now, it began to glow and beep frantically.

Unsure what to do, Harry prodded the button with his wand. This is what he was always advised to do with foreign objects, but he realized too late that this was the wrong thing to do. But mysteriously, the button disappeared.

_That was odd_, thought Harry. But it was over, so he walked away.

It was over. Or so he thought.

Because when he was almost at the Gryffindor tower, there the button was again, on a wall right in front of him. It emitted a eerie red glow, making the hallway seem like something from a horror movie.

Swallowing nervously, Harry pondered whether to push it again or not. It had vanished before after he'd pushed the last one, after all.

Deciding to take the risk, Harry pushed the glowing red button again. But it didn't disappear. Oh, no! Something much more horrible happened!

The button started flashing even more quickly than before. It grew even bigger and bigger, swallowing up the whole room. Harry sprinted out of the room, into the hallway, where he bumped into Hermione. She was crying over a test she had just gotten back, where she had only gotten an A +++++.

Hermione screamed at the impact and fell to the floor.

"What's going on?" she asked, once she managed to stop screming.

"There's a button," was all Harry could get out. "A button."

She raised her eyebrows. "You got scared...of a button?"

Quickly hiding her abysmal test in her robes, Hermione stood up from the floor, and looked at Harry in disbelief.

"Yes," Harry answered plainly. "It started to eat up the whole room! I didn't know what I was supposed to do, so I ran!"

Hermione huffed. She didn't believe a word her friend was saying. To prove that everything he told her was a lie, Hermione muttered the password and stepped into the common room. Or at least, she tried to. She shrieked as she was thrown to the floor again and was slowly pulled into the vortex forming.

But just as soon as she went in, Hermione popped right out. She seemed unharmed, but something wasn't right.

Harry stared at her, trying to figure out what was wrong. Then Hermione turned around and he realized - she was in negative colors. Her skin was now purple, and her eyes were blue.

Harry stared for a moment realizing how cool his friend looked now. Glancing into the swirling vortex in the door Harry debated his options. He wanted to look like that too. Making up his mind he dove in the room, being immediately spat out again. When he looked at his reflection in a near by mirror he screamed like a girl because he had turned into a girl! No, he had turned into Hermione! Touching his now bushy hair, Harry tried to make sense of the whole situation. Who would do something like that?

"Oh, Harry!" Hermione called out. "You look like me!"

Harry nodded. "What's going on here?"

Hermione opened her mouth, ready to tell him one, or two, or fifteen or her theories, as suddenly a person stormed into the common room.

Harry and Hermione gaped as Draco Malfoy stormed into the room wearing a blue and orange bikini. Raising an eyebrow Harry watched a Draco smirked semi evilly, "Ha, my button worked!" Hermione glared, "What does it do Malfoy?"

But Draco just smirked at them and said, "Ha, you think I'll tell you! You're supposed to be smart - figure it out yourself!" Then he rushed out of the room, leaving Harry and Hermione staring after him.

"Well," Hermione said slowly. "That was interesting."

"What should we do now?" Harry cried out, still looking at his changed body in horror. "No offense, but I really don't want to be stuck in your body forever, Hermione!"

Hermione nodded in understanding. "Of course, I'm not to keen of my current body either. Maybe we should go and try to find another of those big red buttons to examine them?"

Harry quickly agreed to her plan, and together they tried to hunt the big red buttons down.

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><p>First, they went to Dumbledore but was surprised to see him in swimming trunks, standing next to Snape, who was dressed up in Umbridge's clothes, complete with makeup and yellow hat.<p>

Dumbledore noticed the kids.

"Ah, it seems we were all altered by this perplexing spell, except me, of course."

"But Professor," said Harry, "you are changed! You're in someone's bathing suit! You were altered, too!"

Dumbledore was taken aback. "These are my trunks! I have not been altered in the slightest! Now, would you excuse me, we were talking about taking over the world, and then I want to take a relaxing bath."

"Harry!" whispered Hermione. "It seems that Dumbledore has gone insane! Just _what_ did you do?"

"What did _I_ do?" said Harry indignantly. "I thought we'd established that Malfoy was responsible for the buttons! Why are you blaming _me_?"

Unfortunately, because Harry had forgotten to keep his voice down, Snape heard him and sneered. "Of course it is your fault, Potter. Why would Mr. Malfoy do something like this to his Head of House? He, unlike you, is smarter than that."

"I didn't do anything to my Head of House," said Harry, perplexed.

"Oh, is that so? McGonagall, would you be so kind as to show yourself?"

A teapot with a face hobbled into Dumbledore's office.

"Harry, you've gone too far this time. Two hundred points from Gryffindor."

"And," Snape continued, "you've completely altered all _future_ Head of Houses, too!"

Slughorn stumbled into the room - only he wasn't Slughorn. He was a big, giant, pink chair that was drunk.

"Harry," he said, "my dear Harry, why did you have to do this to me?"

"But it wasn't me! I told you it was all Malfoy's fault!"

"Harry, it's not nice to lie," Hermione said, and then gasped in shock. She didn't mean to say that.

"Hermione, it's not nice to be a know-it-all," Harry shot back. But he hadn't meant to say that either.

"Getting only 11 O.W.L.s isn't being a know-it-all! It's terrible!" Hermione cried, and she ran off.

Dumbledore stood up. "Harry, you see, when you pressed that Big Red Button, you did something very, very bad. You angered the Puppetmaster, the great being who watches over us. The Big Red Button happened to be his nose, and by pushing it, he was extremely ticked off. So he decided to launch an experiment where he turned everyone insane. And thanks to you, nobody here in Hogwarts is sane anymore. You've doomed us all!" There was a pinging noise, and Dumbledore ran to the window. "Pizza's here," he explained, and an owl dropped a pizza box into his arms. "Anyone want? We got extra cheese, Sicilian, sausage, peperoni, anchovies, mushrooms, olives, eggplant, and meatball pizza."

"Can I have regular, please?" asked Snape.

Wait. Snape was asking for pizza? And he was using please? The world really has gone insane.

"Sorry, but we don't have regular," said Dumbledore coldly.

_What have I done?_ Though Harry. _Now everyone in Hogwarts is insane!_

_But... what if?_

And Harry rushed out of the office.

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><p>Now, it would seem that if everyone suddenly went insane, then the world was doomed.<p>

However, there are people who are already insane. And when everyone else turns insane, then they become slightly less insane. And so Harry rushed off to Hogwart's insanity expert: Luna Lovegood.

Luna was walking right towards Harry, but unfortunately, neither of them saw each other, and they bumped into each other.

"Oh, hello Harry," she said, though she seemed more concentrated on a pack of cards she was holding.

"Luna? How'd you track me so easily? It's almost like you've been stalking me!" Harry was yelling now, and he tackled Luna to the ground.

"No, Harry," she said calmly. "I borrowed these from Professor Trelawney, they told me that I had to go this direction, and it turns out you were walking here? How are you? When's the next DA meeting, I've been practicing my counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-jinx, and I-"

"That's nice Luna, but-" and then Harry suddenly realized how pretty Luna was.

"What, Harry?" she asked.

"SNOOGALOO!" he said.

Luna's eyes widened in shock.

"You believe in SNOOGALOO too?"

Harry was confused.

"No, I just-"

"This must be a sign from SNOOGALOO! He told us that one day, the SNOOGALOOs would have to save the world from a perilous button! Come, Harry, we don't have much time to waste!"

And with that, she dragged Harry down the hall, while he was crying, "NO! I want pretty girl to stay here! WAAAHHH!"

They went up to the Astronomy Tower.

Harry looked down. "Can I jump off big tower?" he asked, putting on his best sad-puppy-dog face.

"Harry, tell me. Who created the big red button?"

"It was that Slythering kid! Dwaco Maulfoi! I wanna be just like him when I grow up!"

Just then, Draco came in, dressed in his blue and orange bikini.

"Did somebody call me?"

Then Luna sneaked up behind him and pushed him off the tower.

"No!" Harry cried. He decided that he was over Luna. Now he wanted Draco! And he tossed himself off of the tower.

Slughorn came up. "Harry! You can't go! I need you to join the Slug Club!" And he jumped off to save Harry.

Then Dumbledore came up. "Slughorn! You agreed to work at Hogwarts! You can't escape me!" He ran off the tower to make sure he would stay.

Then Snape came. "Dumbledore! Does this mean that our deal is up? Can I go back to the Death Eaters, or do I still have to help you?"

"The deal isn't up!"

Snape shrugged, and jumped off.

Professor McGonagall walked up. "Snape! I love you!" She tossed herself off.

"Professor!" screamed Hermione. "Are you okay?" She ran off, making sure she didn't fail the exams.

Then other Hogwarts students, staff, and giant squids went to commit suicide, and Luna finished the chain.

Then SNOOGALOO, the mysterious name, came down.

"I AM THE PUPPETMASTER!" he bellowed.

"THANK YOU DRACO MALFOY FOR MAKING HOGWARTS DIE! BUT YOU STILL OWE ME 5 MORE POUNDS!" And he jumped off the cliff to make sure Draco gave him his money.

_**THE END?**_


End file.
